1 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:05,440 Oh, my God. 2 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:11,000 Dad! 3 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:12,160 What? 4 00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:14,960 The lights! It's the middle of the day. 5 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:16,000 Sorry, Gem. 6 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:18,000 But you're better at all that than me, aren't you? 7 00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:19,160 What?! 8 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:21,000 Better at turning lights off? 9 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,840 That's not a life skill, Dad. 10 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:24,560 Chickens can turn lights off. 11 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:26,200 Well, it was your mum that turned the lights off 12 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:27,240 in the old house, you know. 13 00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:29,120 She had her system, so I didn't like to interfere. 14 00:00:29,120 --> 00:00:30,760 Well, I'm not Mum, so you need to learn 15 00:00:30,760 --> 00:00:32,760 when the appropriate time to have lights on and off is. 16 00:00:32,760 --> 00:00:34,320 But do you want a hint? Yeah. 17 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:36,680 If it's dark, turn them on. 18 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:38,040 If it's not dark, 19 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:40,280 turn the fucking lights off! 20 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,360 All right. If you don't mind me saying, you're a bit stressed 21 00:00:42,360 --> 00:00:43,920 for someone who's just been to a yoga class. 22 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:46,600 Well, you're costing me all this money, Dad. 23 00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:49,320 All the lights are on, 45-minute showers. 24 00:00:49,320 --> 00:00:51,320 I need a long shower, don't I? 25 00:00:51,320 --> 00:00:53,480 I need to, like, you know, get things out of my system. 26 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:55,240 Ugh, what things?! 27 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,560 And then this morning I find out Baris has put the rent up. 28 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,320 I thought you were supposed to speak to him? 29 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:01,360 Yeah, I did, I did - 30 00:01:01,360 --> 00:01:03,760 but it was mostly about nunchuks. 31 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:06,520 You know, I'm just not good at confrontation, am I, Gem? 32 00:01:06,520 --> 00:01:09,120 Well, strap in, because we're about to have a big bloody row. 33 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:10,280 OK. 34 00:01:10,280 --> 00:01:12,520 I can't afford to cover all this. 35 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:14,400 Not once I'm on maternity leave. 36 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,920 So you're gonna need to take up extra shifts at the warehouse... 37 00:01:16,920 --> 00:01:18,840 Dad! Hello? Are you even listening? 38 00:01:18,840 --> 00:01:20,600 Yeah, shifts. Warehouse. 39 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:22,960 Sorry, I just need to check if this is Helen. 40 00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:24,120 "Helen"? 41 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:25,400 Yeah. It's my girlfriend. 42 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:26,640 What?! 43 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:28,280 I didn't know whether I was ready, you know, 44 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:29,760 and then I got a postcard from your mum 45 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:32,640 saying her loins had shrivelled up and died the last time we, er... 46 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:35,040 Ugh! So I thought to myself, "Come on, Malcolm, 47 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:36,240 "she's not coming back." 48 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:37,560 You know? Time for pastures new - 49 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:40,360 and then Helen just popped into my life. 50 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,520 How did you meet a woman? 51 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:45,080 Well we've not "met" met, you know, just... 52 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:46,600 Well, we met in cyberspace. 53 00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:48,200 You know, on an app. 54 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:49,840 Oh, Dad... 55 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:52,520 We need to have a chat about catfishing. 56 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,120 He's driving me nuts. 57 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:02,800 Obviously. 58 00:02:02,800 --> 00:02:06,440 He dried his underpants in the microwave the other day. Oh! 59 00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:07,920 I shouldn't have to tell my own father 60 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:09,480 what he can and can't put in the microwave. 61 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,720 Hey, you should put a note on it, like Mum did. 62 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:12,800 Do you remember? 63 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:15,720 "No metal spoons, Malcolm. You twat." 64 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,040 Ooh, maybe I should make him a sign. 65 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:20,960 Oh, my God. What? 66 00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:22,720 You're turning into mum! 67 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,240 I am not. 68 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:25,440 You are! 69 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:28,080 He's turning you into a replacement wife. 70 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:30,520 Oh! Oh... 71 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:35,040 I don't know how I'm gonna cope when the baby gets here. 72 00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,880 You need to get yourself a business plan to get out of this mess. 73 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:40,920 Your last "business plan" got you incarcerated - 74 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:43,920 but, go ahead, Apprentice me, Jeffrey Bezos. 75 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,320 Well... 76 00:02:46,320 --> 00:02:50,160 ..given your very limited skillset, 77 00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:52,120 I think your best option 78 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:58,800 is to find a rich, and preferably senile, guy ASAP. 79 00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:00,520 Asap! 80 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:03,840 I'm good, 'in't I? 81 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:04,880 Mm. 82 00:03:09,600 --> 00:03:11,320 Fuck. 83 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:13,720 If she won't let me see the kids this weekend, 84 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:15,880 she is not getting the crunchy bears. 85 00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:17,280 Bloody women. 86 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,440 Yeah. 87 00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:21,280 Talking of women, I have been looking for a companion on this app, 88 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:23,120 and I've found one. 89 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,280 Yeah, and we've been chatting, you know - and her name is Helen. 90 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:28,640 She's 50 and she works at the hospital, 91 00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,520 and she doesn't have any kids or anything. 92 00:03:30,520 --> 00:03:32,040 All right. Bang her, then leave her. 93 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,680 Yeah. Definitely. It's just... 94 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:36,440 I think I'm in love with her. 95 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:39,360 She-She's really funny you know and she just says things like... 96 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:40,800 Oh, Malcolm. 97 00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,600 Women aren't funny. 98 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:43,840 Show me. 99 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:50,520 You dirty old dog! 100 00:03:50,520 --> 00:03:52,000 This is a hook-up app! 101 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:53,040 A what? 102 00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:54,160 Casual sex. 103 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,080 No. No, Helen wouldn't do that. 104 00:03:56,080 --> 00:04:00,200 Malcolm, I promise you, this app is for finding a no-strings fuck buddy. 105 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:01,440 B-But I like strings, don't I? 106 00:04:01,440 --> 00:04:03,240 I mean, strings are romantic, aren't they? 107 00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:05,200 Let's see if she's turned on the "mutual attraction" feature. 108 00:04:05,200 --> 00:04:06,320 What? 109 00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:09,000 It lets you find each other, so you can meet up and smash. 110 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:11,000 What, without going to the cinema first? 111 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,280 Bingo. 112 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,880 I use this for my casual encounters all the time. 113 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:16,960 Or I will do. I'm just, er... 114 00:04:16,960 --> 00:04:18,840 ..just waiting for a couple of rashes to clear up. 115 00:04:18,840 --> 00:04:20,720 Give us it back. 116 00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:23,480 So, you get this boring notification that alerts you 117 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,280 when you're within five metres of each other, 118 00:04:26,280 --> 00:04:29,400 or you can pay extra for this. 119 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,440 Wow, wow, pussy alert. 120 00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:33,080 Want me to add it to yours too? Wow, wow pussy alert. 121 00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:34,240 No, no, thanks. Wow, wow, pussy alert. 122 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,840 I'm fine with the factory settings. Wow, wow, pussy alert. 123 00:04:36,840 --> 00:04:39,080 Wow, wow, pussy alert... 124 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:40,880 Rita, they're out of decaf at the minimart. 125 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:42,640 Do you want me to go to the big shop? Oh, no need, love. 126 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:45,440 Ooh, I know - let's open the tequila instead. 127 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:48,120 It's 9am, and I'm 18 weeks pregnant. 128 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,600 Winnie'll have one won't you? Little minx. 129 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:54,440 And I work so much better when I'm a few glasses down. 130 00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:56,840 Congratulations, Gemma, love! 131 00:04:56,840 --> 00:04:59,080 And we don't know who the father is, do we? 132 00:04:59,080 --> 00:05:00,480 Is it that old one? 133 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,480 I thought you dumped that old one months ago. 134 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,000 I did dump him. 135 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:06,480 Because he wanted to settle down and have kids and I didn't. 136 00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,440 Oh! Mm, the irony. 137 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:10,120 Adam actually asked me to marry him. 138 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:13,000 And why the hell didn't you, you silly mare? 139 00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,720 You can't be turning men down in your condition. 140 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:16,960 I wasn't pregnant when he asked. 141 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:18,720 He owned that bungalow outright. 142 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,600 His trousers weren't made of polyester. 143 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:22,000 I'd kill for a man like that. 144 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,200 I wasn't in love with him. 145 00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:24,480 Love? Pah. 146 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:27,840 I've been married four times, Gemma, and not once was it for love. 147 00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:29,960 A house, a car, some exquisite crockery - 148 00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,440 but never love. 149 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,240 That's really sad, Rita. 150 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:34,920 I didn't plan on getting wed at all. 151 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:36,200 When I was your age, 152 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:37,720 I was after joining MI6 153 00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:41,040 and being one of those spies that shagged about for secrets. 154 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:43,600 Am I gonna regret asking why you didn't become a spy? 155 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:48,040 I sucked off Mike Baldwin on a tour of the Coronation Street set. 156 00:05:48,040 --> 00:05:50,520 They found out - they said I wasn't very discerning. 157 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:51,760 How did they find out? 158 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:54,400 Oh, I must have done it on camera by accident. 159 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:57,800 Didn't know I did Kevin Webster too, though, did they? Hmm? 160 00:05:57,800 --> 00:05:59,600 Bloody MI6. They don't know shit. 161 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,320 I'm sorry, what are you trying to tell me? 162 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:04,040 Well, life is about compromise. 163 00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:05,920 Especially for us girls. 164 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,160 My sister said something very similar. 165 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,440 Just because she's in prison 166 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,960 for paying a man to push another man down a lift-shaft... 167 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,160 Off a fire escape. 168 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:15,760 ..does not mean she gives bad advice. 169 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:17,760 And you can tell your dad he's welcome to pop in 170 00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:19,640 for a Corrie Special whenever he likes. 171 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,680 Rita! I'm just saying. 172 00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:23,360 Want a top up, Winnie? 173 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,080 Oh, you've not finished that one. 174 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:28,640 Thanks for coming with me. Um... 175 00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:30,400 So, sorry, which one am I? 176 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:33,160 The blue dot that's moving, because of how you're moving. 177 00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,480 Who's the pink one? 178 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:35,680 Fucking Helen! 179 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:36,760 OK. All right... 180 00:06:36,760 --> 00:06:39,360 There's two fucking dots, Malcolm. Yeah, I know, I know. 181 00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:41,120 Sorry. I get confused. Get your head in the game, man! 182 00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:42,400 I don't know... 183 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,280 So, what's she like? Other than well up for it? 184 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:47,640 She's lovely. 185 00:06:47,640 --> 00:06:49,840 We watch Emily In Paris at the same time 186 00:06:49,840 --> 00:06:52,000 and then message each other about what Emily's wearing. 187 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,120 Weak. 188 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,320 Should get her to watch some UFC with you. 189 00:06:55,320 --> 00:06:56,360 If she's turned on by a man 190 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,840 round-housing another man's head off, then she's a keeper. 191 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:00,280 She's a vegan, which is a worry, 192 00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:01,440 in case I smell of meat. 193 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:02,720 Do I smell of meat? 194 00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,560 I mean, a bit. But, you know, in a good way. 195 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:10,160 She runs. Mental. 196 00:07:10,160 --> 00:07:11,720 And she believes in angels. 197 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:14,160 What? 198 00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:15,800 Yeah. She believes in angels. 199 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,360 You know, that they, like... 200 00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:18,640 ..they walk amongst us - 201 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:21,160 and it's very important that I believe in that, too. 202 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:23,120 Well, do you? Well, er... 203 00:07:23,120 --> 00:07:25,080 I could. I mean, why not? 204 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:27,880 OK. She's heading towards us. 205 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:29,080 Now's your chance. 206 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,080 55-year-old male, arrived by car. 207 00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:36,000 Lacerations to both legs after a strimmer accident. 208 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:37,360 Careful... 209 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,800 He went into cardiac arrest on the way here. 210 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,080 Oh, my God, Malcolm! Did you see that? 211 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:43,480 I know. 212 00:07:43,480 --> 00:07:45,120 I used to love using my strimmer. 213 00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:49,720 Derek... 214 00:07:50,760 --> 00:07:52,160 What kind of bloke are you after? 215 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,000 Other than "rich", to quote your sister. 216 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,680 Erm, not a prick. 217 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,520 Someone who is willing to look after my unborn child. 218 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,080 Is that a high bar or a low bar? I can't tell. 219 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:02,320 Will you help me find him? 220 00:08:02,320 --> 00:08:03,760 I can if we go to Sugar Daddies. 221 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,840 Oh, God, it's not actually called that, is it? 222 00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:07,120 Ugh, may as well be - 223 00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:09,640 but trust me, it is THE place to go for your fairy-tale ending. 224 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:10,840 That good? 225 00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:12,760 Mate of mine - no money, grotty flat - 226 00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:15,000 went there one night, hooked up with an oligarch, 227 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:16,240 got married, he got murdered. 228 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:18,960 She now lives on a yacht with her super hot wife and couple of pugs. 229 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,640 Oh, my God. 230 00:08:20,640 --> 00:08:22,520 A real-life Cinderella story. 231 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:24,080 Innit?! 232 00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:28,680 Ooh, hello, ruffles! 233 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:30,440 Ooh. 234 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,320 Yeah. That's the one, isn't it? 235 00:08:38,320 --> 00:08:39,640 Gem... Mmm. 236 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,840 Gem, can I ask a favour? 237 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:43,880 Oh, I'm not squeezing your back spots again, Dad. 238 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,520 Oh, no, it's not that... 239 00:08:45,520 --> 00:08:49,560 I just wondered if I could borrow your very smart telephone to, erm... 240 00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:51,240 ..take a pic of my willy. 241 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:53,640 No chance. 242 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:54,920 Use your own. 243 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:56,320 I can't, can I? 244 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:59,440 I bought it second-hand off Andy, and he's smashed the camera in. 245 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:01,560 Why? Well, cos his brother told him to 246 00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:04,080 in case he caught 5G or something, I don't know. 247 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,680 No. Oh, go on! 248 00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:07,840 It's for Helen, you know, so she can... 249 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,360 So she can see the goods. 250 00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:12,280 Dad, Helen is a six foot trucker from Didsbury. 251 00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:14,000 No, she's not. Me and Derek saw her. 252 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,560 She's lovely. 253 00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:16,680 Right! 254 00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:18,880 Well, if she's so lovely, why are you sending her a picture 255 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:20,680 of your willy? Your penis? 256 00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:23,720 Well, you know, I'm just stepping up the wooing to the next level. 257 00:09:23,720 --> 00:09:26,040 An unsolicited dick pic is not the next level. 258 00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:28,120 No, it's not unsolicited - it's solicited. 259 00:09:28,120 --> 00:09:30,480 She sent me pictures of her... lady breasts. 260 00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:32,040 Loads of pictures, actually. 261 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:33,160 Go on, Gem. 262 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:34,880 Oh, my God... 263 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:36,440 No. 264 00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,600 Christ. 265 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:39,920 God. 266 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:44,120 I probably don't deserve love, do I, anyway? 267 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:45,480 Look at me. 268 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,560 Take it! 269 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:49,960 Oh, thanks, Gem! 270 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:53,760 Fucking hell. 271 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,440 Gem? 272 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,120 What? 273 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:11,720 Erm... 274 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:13,440 I don't know how to send it. 275 00:10:15,760 --> 00:10:17,200 You couldn't it send to me, could you? 276 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,680 Cos then I can send to her, you see. 277 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:20,160 Dad, are you for real? 278 00:10:20,160 --> 00:10:21,400 Please. 279 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:23,200 Oh, my God. 280 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:24,240 Cheers. 281 00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:27,280 Jesus, Dad. 282 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:28,840 This is flaccid. 283 00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:31,400 Well, I didn't want to be presumptuous, did I? No. 284 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,480 You cannot send a flaccid cock shot. 285 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:37,080 OK? This looks like a baby rat that's fallen asleep on a scourer. 286 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:38,120 Do it again. 287 00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:41,760 But this time... 288 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:43,360 ..erect. 289 00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:44,720 Thanks, Gemma. 290 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,880 I'll just pop on a Kylie video. 291 00:10:55,360 --> 00:10:56,680 Go on. 292 00:10:57,840 --> 00:10:59,680 Get comfy. 293 00:10:59,680 --> 00:11:01,920 Are you sure you still want to do this? 294 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:03,280 Yep. 295 00:11:03,280 --> 00:11:05,600 After what I had to do to help my dad get a date, 296 00:11:05,600 --> 00:11:07,440 this is going to feel like a walk in the park. 297 00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:10,800 Let's find you a daddy. 298 00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,280 Cute. 299 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,200 Right, follow me, babe. 300 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,320 Wow. 301 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:30,240 God, you really weren't joking about who comes in here. 302 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:32,800 Right. 303 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,520 A few little rules worth keeping in mind. 304 00:11:35,520 --> 00:11:37,720 This is not the first time I've chatted men up in a bar. 305 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,560 Laugh at all their terrible jokes. Mm-hm. 306 00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:41,280 Don't talk about politics. 307 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:42,840 Pretend you like golf. 308 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:44,600 DON'T slag off the King. 309 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,760 Hadn't actually thought of those last two. 310 00:11:46,760 --> 00:11:48,320 Ladies. 311 00:11:48,320 --> 00:11:49,640 He smells weird. 312 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:51,200 Oh, pregnancy early warning system. 313 00:11:51,200 --> 00:11:52,360 Sorry, babe. 314 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:56,840 Hey. Hi. I'm Clint. 315 00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,560 Friends call me the Clintser. 316 00:11:58,560 --> 00:11:59,880 Ooh... 317 00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:01,960 Er, what's your favourite novel, Clint? 318 00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:05,240 Shakespeare. 319 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:06,400 Mm-hm. 320 00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:07,440 Mmmm. Oh. 321 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:08,680 Bye. 322 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,480 Look, this won't work if you're too picky. No, I know. 323 00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,920 I know, I'm sorry. I'll promise I'll make an effort with the next one. 324 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,440 Even if he's gross and thick? Yeah. 325 00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:15,800 I'm not leaving here 326 00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,680 until I have a potential father for my unborn child. 327 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:18,760 Good lass. 328 00:12:18,760 --> 00:12:21,200 Ooh... May I buy you ladies a drink? 329 00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:23,360 Champagne, maybe? 330 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:25,840 I'm Fergal. 331 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:28,320 And you are...? Gemma. Cherry. 332 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,080 I was going to say, 333 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:33,480 "Far too gorgeous to be in a place like this." 334 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,120 Fucking baiter. 335 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:49,240 I knew you'd get stood up, Malc. 336 00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:50,880 I knew it. 337 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:55,760 I told you not to send her a pickle picture without showing me first. 338 00:12:55,760 --> 00:12:59,160 Helen was very nice about my "display", actually. 339 00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:00,560 And, anyway, she hasn't stood me up. 340 00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,560 Well, not yet, anyway. 341 00:13:02,560 --> 00:13:05,080 Then why is she meeting you so late? 342 00:13:05,080 --> 00:13:08,120 She's probably waiting for her jealous husband to fall asleep. 343 00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,080 She does overtime on Fridays. 344 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,040 I'm sorry, Derek. 345 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:14,320 I'm just nervous, aren't I? 346 00:13:14,320 --> 00:13:16,080 Oh, grow up. 347 00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:18,960 You are a man, 348 00:13:18,960 --> 00:13:21,600 and any man is better than any female. 349 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,480 Oh, what, so Fred West better than Shirley Bassey, is he? 350 00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,040 You're fiddling the system now, Malcolm. Stop it. 351 00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:29,840 I mean, what if she wants to, you know...? 352 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:33,600 Good! That's what you're paying £2.99 a month for. 353 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:36,000 I'm not ready for that... 354 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,200 I'm not ready... Malcolm? 355 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,080 No! No, no! Sorry! 356 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:41,280 I didn't get the alert! 357 00:13:41,280 --> 00:13:43,160 I didn't get an alert. I'm not ready! 358 00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:45,680 I'm not ready! I'm not ready! 359 00:13:45,680 --> 00:13:46,960 Aah! Malcolm? 360 00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,760 Is he OK? Obviously not. 361 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:50,120 And that's your fault. 362 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:51,360 Who are you? 363 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:55,680 Oh. 364 00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:59,040 Oh, no, what's happening? 365 00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,160 Oh, no, I think I'm having a heart attack. 366 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:02,480 Oh... 367 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,040 Oh, you should probably do the thing. 368 00:14:04,040 --> 00:14:05,520 Help me. Help me...! 369 00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:06,680 Ugh... 370 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,040 Dickhead. 371 00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:18,840 Malcolm, my friend, what you need is the old "Wow, wow pussy alert". 372 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,480 Your husband's a professional rugby player? 373 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:25,760 Yeah, he has been with the same club since he was 11 years old. 374 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:29,040 He'll never move away, though, his mum's a right needy wanker. 375 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:30,880 She has Parkinson's disease. 376 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,880 Yeah, and she doesn't let you forget it. 377 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:38,200 Babe, eyes on the prize, eh? Yeah. 378 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,160 Another round, Fergal? 379 00:14:43,160 --> 00:14:45,640 You're so good at buying drinks, after all. 380 00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:47,280 That's a terrible line! 381 00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:50,560 But I-I am very good at buying drinks. 382 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,160 Thank you. 383 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:56,320 Mate, sorry. 384 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:57,680 Excu... 385 00:14:59,080 --> 00:15:00,920 Hi! 386 00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:03,880 Er, hi...Gemma? Mm-hm. 387 00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:06,320 Are you here alone? 388 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:07,480 Er, with my boss. 389 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,880 Oh, right. Is he a massive douchebag? 390 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,280 No, he's just...really lonely. 391 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,960 Can I buy you a drink? Maybe? 392 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:19,160 Erm, could we get a bottle of champagne and some sparkling water? 393 00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:20,680 Whoa! 394 00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:22,000 Shit, OK. 395 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,480 Do you think I'm running some sort of Breaking Bad operation? 396 00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:28,800 Because while I technically do know how to make methamphetamine, 397 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:32,320 I would have absolutely no idea how to shift it. 398 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,560 Drinks are on Fergal. 399 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,040 Sorry, who's Fergal? 400 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:38,840 Er, Fergs and I have decided this place sucks a donkey's big fat dick. 401 00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:40,000 That's not quite what I said. 402 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,320 Who is this? I... We're going back to mine. 403 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,120 You coming? Er... Great! 404 00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:46,480 You found one for me too! Thanks, babe. 405 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:50,640 You can have this back. Thanks. 406 00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:51,680 Come on. 407 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:54,160 What did you tell her? 408 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:56,920 That you had the shits. Oh... 409 00:15:56,920 --> 00:16:00,000 I said you'd seen an angel and it'd made your stomach go funny. 410 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:01,160 Why?! 411 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,360 Cos it's just as likely as anything else that would happen 412 00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:04,960 if you saw an angel. 413 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:06,640 You know, I'm not cut out for this. 414 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:07,720 Davina was cruel, 415 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,760 but at least I knew where all her bits were and how they worked. 416 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:13,320 She was like a menopausal Ford Focus. 417 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:14,560 Hey, come on. 418 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:15,680 You'll get there, champ. 419 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:17,760 If not now, then...one day. 420 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:20,960 Besides, now I've Helen up close, 421 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,760 she's only a six at best on the pussy-ometer, so... 422 00:16:23,760 --> 00:16:26,400 Six? I like a six. 423 00:16:26,400 --> 00:16:28,080 So are you, erm, a doctor? 424 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,880 No. Oh... 425 00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:32,800 I love a man in uniform. 426 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,560 That's nice... I don't... I don't wear one of those either. 427 00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:40,040 So, I guess this is the part where you tell me you are married...? 428 00:16:41,080 --> 00:16:42,960 I was married, 429 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:44,720 but we split up six months ago. 430 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:47,400 We were childhood sweethearts, 431 00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,280 but she wanted something different. 432 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:51,520 And she was devoted to her career, 433 00:16:51,520 --> 00:16:52,800 but I... 434 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:55,840 I really want a family. 435 00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:00,600 God, I didn't even know that men had a biological clock. 436 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:08,840 Alexa, play Fergal's Midnight Playlist. 437 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:10,440 What the fuck...? 438 00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:12,120 You're the Best Thing by The Style Council 439 00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:16,040 Oh, my God, I've not heard this song for years. 440 00:17:16,040 --> 00:17:19,000 My dad would sing this all the time when we were little. 441 00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:39,880 Yeah. Yeah, guys. 442 00:17:39,880 --> 00:17:42,160 Don't worry about it. Yeah, I'll just, erm... 443 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:43,400 Yeah. 444 00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:47,040 Cheers, everybody. 445 00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,920 So, you'll message me? 446 00:18:01,840 --> 00:18:05,240 Look, I really like you, so I don't want to start with a lie. 447 00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:06,680 I'm pregnant. 448 00:18:06,680 --> 00:18:08,480 What? Mm. 449 00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:10,400 Wow. That's... 450 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:11,960 Massive. Yeah. Yeah. 451 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:14,760 Hey, do you still want that DM? 452 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,320 I don't know where this is gonna go... 453 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,360 ..but girls like you really don't come along very often. 454 00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:40,160 It's such a beautiful morning. 455 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:42,280 Yeah. 456 00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,560 Oh, no! 457 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:49,880 Chemtrails. 458 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:53,160 What? 459 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,200 You see that line behind the plane up there? 460 00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:57,320 That's a fucking chemtrail. 461 00:18:57,320 --> 00:18:58,800 Fuck! 462 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,800 Fucking cloud bastards. 463 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:07,960 The government use aeroplanes to pump chemicals into the atmosphere, 464 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,400 which keep the electorate stupid and control our minds. 465 00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,000 It's the same with fluoride in the water. 466 00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,240 If it's to protect people's teeth, 467 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:17,720 why have so many people got fillings? 468 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:20,320 Think about it. I mean, it makes no fucking sense. 469 00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:21,760 Mm... 470 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:22,920 I'm in a WhatsApp group, 471 00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:24,920 we're really trying to blow this whole thing wide open. 472 00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:26,640 Let the sheeple know the truth. 473 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,120 Yeah, about the chemtrails? 474 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:29,840 I'll add you to the group. 475 00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:31,280 OK! 476 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,960 Thanks for a great night. Thanks. 477 00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:54,840 So close. 478 00:20:01,640 --> 00:20:05,200 Dad! Have you had the lights on since I left this morning? 479 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:06,240 No. 480 00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:09,720 You've been moping about for days. 481 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:12,560 Are you still connected to her on the app? 482 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:14,200 Yeah. 483 00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:16,080 That's how I know she's been at work all week, 484 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:18,640 but she hasn't read or replied to any of my messages. 485 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:22,760 Right. 486 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:25,200 Have a short shower and get dressed. 487 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:29,680 You're going to tell her how you feel, the old-fashioned way. 488 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:33,600 What, a post-it note through the letterbox? 489 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:34,960 What? 490 00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:40,080 It's just here, by the church. 491 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,000 I don't know what I'm gonna say to her. 492 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,400 Just tell her you're sorry. 493 00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:51,680 Still don't think we should have brought 494 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:53,200 your emotional support dickhead along. 495 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,120 Yeah. She's getting married. 496 00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:57,160 Called it. 497 00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:01,400 She just wanted you for one last blow on the meat horn, Malc. 498 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:02,680 And you bailed on her. 499 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:04,320 Do not listen to him, Dad. 500 00:21:04,320 --> 00:21:05,880 She'll just be a guest. 501 00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,240 Have you got the flowers? 502 00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:23,280 This is so not wedding-appropriate. 503 00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,040 What if I get tagged in the photos? 504 00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,000 I think you look lovely. 505 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,960 You've got that glow, the baby glow. 506 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:37,360 She's dead. 507 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:41,120 Malcolm... Oh Dad! 508 00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:42,200 Excuse me. 509 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:45,480 Oh, God. 510 00:21:50,720 --> 00:21:52,640 It's probably for the best. 511 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,160 Hey, she could have had a disease 512 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,400 she was trying to pass on as an act of vengeance. 513 00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:58,720 Shut up. 514 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,480 I can't believe she's dead. 515 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:04,320 One minute, she's sat in the garden with a chunky John Grisham, 516 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:07,320 and the next her brain just pops. 517 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,400 Did you know Helen well? 518 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:11,720 Erm... 519 00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:13,440 She was so lovely. 520 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,320 Helped me out no end with this one. 521 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:19,480 She was lovely, wasn't she? 522 00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:23,960 I just wish I'd had a chance to tell her, you know... 523 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:28,360 They've put her phone in the casket, 524 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:31,120 so you can send her a little message later if you like. 525 00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:32,320 Lovely. 526 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:35,520 Adagio for Strings by Samuel Barber 527 00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:52,000 Wow, wow, pussy alert. Derek! 528 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:53,520 It's you, Malcolm. Wow, wow, pussy alert. 529 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:55,800 Turn your phone off. Have some respect. Wow, wow, pussy alert. 530 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:57,160 Wow, wow, pussy alert. Can you hold them? 531 00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:58,560 Wow, wow, pussy alert. 532 00:22:58,560 --> 00:23:01,880 Wow, wow, pussy alert. Wow, wow, pussy alert. 533 00:23:01,880 --> 00:23:03,720 I've got it. It's off. 534 00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:08,680 At least she's with her best friends, the angels, now. 535 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:32,040 Was it the start of something beautiful with Fergal? 536 00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:34,240 Turns out he was in a WhatsApp group 537 00:23:34,240 --> 00:23:37,680 dedicated to exposing government conspiracy theories. 538 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:39,720 Chemtrails, specifically. 539 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:41,680 Oh, mate. I am so sorry. 540 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:44,440 No, it's better I find out now than on our wedding day. 541 00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:49,120 How pregnant are you? 542 00:23:49,120 --> 00:23:50,840 What gave it away? 543 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:53,960 Those antibiotics you had are mainly given to pregnant people. 544 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:57,200 Plus you weren't drinking at Sugar Daddies. 545 00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:59,720 Yeah. 18 weeks. 546 00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:03,280 And he's not on the scene, which is why I was at the club, 547 00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,640 because I was panicking about doing it alone. 548 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,240 That's, er... 549 00:24:08,240 --> 00:24:09,880 That's a lot. 550 00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,120 Fergal was really fit though, wasn't he? 551 00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,240 Yeah. Really...fit. 552 00:24:15,680 --> 00:24:17,680 Do you, er... 553 00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:19,560 ..fancy getting a coffee sometime? 554 00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:21,560 I think it's your turn to pay. 555 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,280 Oh, my God, it is. 556 00:24:23,280 --> 00:24:25,400 Yeah. Oh, perfect. 557 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,880 I can tell you all about my theory on why 9/11 was an inside job.